Sunday, June 19, 2011

We deserve the leaders we choose!!!!

We have seen this... 



We have seen this too.. 



Who can forget this... 

                 Of course we have seen this..  

 But did we deserve to see this??????

We clearly deserve the leaders we choose

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

HR: The most feared name in India


Terrorism has occurred throughout history, but today the world is experiencing a global rebirth of attacks. Today it no longer affects only small societies, such as isolated third world countries who fell victim to regular terrorist attacks, but the whole world is becoming more familiar with terrorism.

Terrorism comes in various forms. Recent events have shown the intention of neighboring countries to harm India through various means of terrorism.

CBI had recently prepared a list of 50 most wanted terrorists. This list includes some of the most dreaded terrorists of this world. Terrorists who have master minded some of the most horrifying attacks on India through various means.

A name that is on the top of the list is someone, who for the last few years has repeatedly attacked India with deadly strikes. One of the aliases he uses in India is Himesh Reshammiya. He frequently changes his aliases based on numerological requirements. Himesh or HR as he is known to his terrorist friends has recently launched a terrorist organization called “HR Musik Limited”. This name has been carefully chosen to match is limited musical abilities.

The most potent weapon used by HR was the nasal bomb, and he terrorized India on numerous occasions using this rare technology. He gradually added a new weapon, called ‘ACTING’, which has multiplied his potency many fold.

It all started in 2007, when he first struck with ‘Aap Ka Suroor: The Real Luv Story’. Unassuming citizens of India were totally unprepared for this kind of attack. They were dumb struck with multiple levels of cognitive disabilities.

But the worst was yet to come, and he struck again with the lethal ‘Karzzzzzzzzz’ in 2008. The attack was deliberate, extremely violent, and involved large numbers of casualties.  People suffered lasting psychological effects. Even those who only watched the trailer on TV experienced strong psychological reactions.

People could not take the barbaric demolition of an iconic classic, but the thing that hurt most was single expression attack and his staring into nothing just killed everyone. “Ramgopal Varma ka Sholay” is considered the only singular attack in Indian history which was worse than ‘Karzzzzzz’. The title was not the only word which was extended way beyond normal hearing capabilities.

HR struck again with ‘Radio’ in 2009 and this resulted in widespread human suffering with irreparable psychiatric morbidity & disability. Luckily, intelligence agencies were able to scuttle his next attack with ‘Kajraare’ in 2010. There is now a wide belief in the Intelligence network that he is planning to another strike soon with “A* is killed”

Government is seeking support of US intelligence to flush HR out of his hiding. Army wants to conduct a live raid and capture the maverick artist along with his weapons of mass destruction stashed in his hideout which is believed to be the headquarters of HR Musik.

Although he is wanted for his excesses on Indian citizens, Army wants to capture him alive and use him as a tool against the Pakistani military and terrorist establishment. There are plans to use his nasal bomb and beam it with the help of flying loudspeakers fitted with stealth technology.
 
HR is known to be a master of disguise and uses different wigs & caps to change his appearance. This has been the biggest challenge in capturing the elusive terrorist.

Captain Vijaykanth, the greatest Special Ops commandant ever produced by India is being roped in to lead this operation.  As per latest reports, Captain is assembling a special team for this operation. Some of the key names who are likely to be a part of this elite team are Nandamuri Balakrishna (a.k.a Balayya), Suresh Gopi (a.k.a Bharatchandran IPS) and Sunny Deol (greatest BSF commander ever and India’s answer to Sylvestor Stallone). Government is hopeful of capturing this terrorist soon.  

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Most powerful man on earth


He fell in love with his first wife because she was sincere and eager to please.

His second wife, a cousin, was irresistible because she did everything he wished and nothing he didn't. "That alone made me love her."

His third wife won him because she submitted to his every request. "I saw her, I liked her. I went to her parents and asked for her hand in marriage."

Wife No. 4 was very obedient. So was wife No. 5. Wife No. 6, the same. As were wives 7 and 8 and 9 and …

Well, by then — it was the late 1980s — things had taken off for Bello Maasaba, an Islamic faith healer in
Nigeria. He went from a wedding every few months to one every few weeks.

In a nutshell, this 87-year-old has married 107 women, which, even in a society with a tradition of polygamy, is on the high side. The Nigerian government is not amused. Neither are Islamic authorities in the state.

But he's still marrying, every time Miss Right comes along. He now has 86 wives, the youngest 19 and the oldest 64. Nine have died and 12 he divorced (for disobedience).

He stays in a looming four-story house in
Niger State, with 89 rooms and a broad veranda supported by gold columns. He wears a tall white hat, and smiles a crooked-toothed smile. The pouches under his eyes give him a mournful air. But there's barely a wrinkle on his forehead, and he professes to have no worries. This is not something that many men even with single marriages could take pride in.

But the question that quickly comes into mind is, does he even fulfill the sanctity of the marriage (You know what I mean by that). Apparently, these are not just marriages for the sake of marriages. He has actually fathered 172 children.

We live in a society where women are filing for divorce because their husbands (this is not to indicate multiple husbands but it’s a match for the plurality of women) are not able to fulfill the physical requirements of marriage. Here is a man who maintains a capability of managing and satisfying 86 women. 

"A man with 10 wives would collapse and die, but my own power is given by Allah" says Masaba.
 
True, it really takes a lot of power to keep 86 women fulfilled.

Just doing plain math, 1 per week for each woman would still make it roughly about 12 sessions per day. In between all the faith healing, he must be running in take a holy dip. Come back purified and continue with faith healing. At 87, most men find it difficult to get urine out of it, let alone use it for any other purposes. This man is using it in a manner which would put a 20 year old to shame. 




Move over Obama, Masaba is the most powerful man on earth. He has the power that actually matters.

Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Karnataka Fashion Show


Fuelled by the success of India fashion week, BJP is gearing up to organize a fashion show. You are hearing it right. The flag bearer of Hindu Culture is organizing a fashion show. This will be a first of its kind but many many more are expected to happen in the nearest future.
“Wills and Lakme India Fashion Weeks are a huge hit. We have a lot to offer in terms of fashion and we hope to explore the same,” said BJP spokesperson Nirmala Sitharaman.
The official ambassador for the event is Arun Jaitley. The event will kick off with a ceremonial hugging and hand holding by the politicians in front of the camera. They will celebrate the spirit of Politics by showing unity with the 11 rebels who till 48 hours ago were sworn enemies of Yeddyurappa.
The fashion week will present 121 models, who will scorch the ramp. The show will have 16 designers who will showcase their lines. The show stopper for the event will be our own Yeddy, who will have his trademark victory sign when he walks the ramp.
While serving as a platform for showcase of strength from Karnataka, this event also aims to bring the political dirt closer to the target customer.
 “A change in the attitude of politicians towards fashion is emerging,” said Nirmala adding that people should stop assuming that nothing ‘rocking’ would happen here.
The fashion parade will have an advisory panel consisting of renowned players like Rajnath Singh, Sushma Swaraj, Venkaiah Naidu, Ananth Kumar and choreographed by Nitin Gadkari.
The event will be held at the Rashtrapathi Bhavan on 17th May. The event would be judged by President Prathibha Patil, Lal Krishna Advani who would be present at the venue. The other judges who will judge the event via live telecast are Sonia Gandhi, Manmohan Singh, Chidambaram, Pranab Mukherjee & Rahul Gandhi.



Highlight of the event is a special summer collection designed by Yeddy himself. This series showcases inner wear with Governer HR adorning the posteriors of the innerwear. The idea is to fart the Governer out of the state. Special arrangements have been made by Environment minister to ensure sufficient fresh air would be made available at the venue.
Security has been tightened as “Vaanar Sena” head Pramod Muthalik is expected to create some disturbance along with his monkeys. 


Friday, May 13, 2011

AMAR PREM KATHA

At 55, Amar Singh is a very popular person. There are not many days when he is off TV. Currently, there is a lot of hooplaah around he having dirty talk with Bipasha Basu. I had to actually clean my ears with a toilet plunger after soaking it for half an hour with pine fragranced Domex (which by the by had 25% extra due to some promotional offer) to ensure that I was hearing right. Media screamed at the loudest possible voice, Bipasha had dirty talk with Amar Singh.

Ever since she walked out of that beach in Jism, Bipasha has been many a young man’s reason for extended stay in toilet. For years, she has kept a young man’s company behind locked doors to and helped them keep their reproductive system serviced and ready for action. It’s hard to keep count of the hundreds of litres of ‘Reproductive Grade’ fluid that could have gone waste. With all the fitness videos, she has taken the oomph factor to a whole new level. 

Bipasha is not the kind of person who would turn to Amar Singh for ‘action’ especially when she has/had access to one of the hottest body in India. Man to Man, John Abraham may not have the same shiny forehead as Amar Singh, but he definitely had the posterior most desired by most women and some men. He may not have the prosperity belly as Amar Singh but he has 6 packs. He may not have the famous Amar Singh grin but he has a good smile (some women had wonderful comments about him on Karan Johar’s Koffee show).

John could possibly secrete more testosterone than the amount of saliva Amar Singh produces.

For all those, hollow souls who have been linking Bipasha into this, here is the clarification. It is not Bipasha, its DIPASHA. A google seach quickly throws out pictures of this lovely lady who is looking for some action. You should hear the bitchy laugh to believe it.

Listen to the conversation and enjoy the transcript (minor translation at 2-3 places for the benefit of )

Amar: Hello. 
Dipasha: : (Sing song voice)…Haallloooo…
Amar: : Hello…
Dipasha: : (Sing song voice) Hi…how are you…?
Amar: : (Happy sing song voice) I am fine.
Dipasha: : How've you been? We are talking after a long time right? 
Amar: : Yes…
Dipasha: : You've been busy or something? 
Amar: : Kaun…Dip…
Dipasha: : Dipasha…Dipasha…ya…I saw you twice at that award function…ha ha ha
Amar: : Really? 
Dipasha: : So tell me…when are you meeting me? 
Amar: : Where do you want to meet baby? I have been very busy. 
Dipasha: : You busy? 
Amar: : It is very tough. 
Dipasha: : It is very tough…ha ha ha…OK. 
Amar: : But I will make some time. 
Dipasha: : OK sweetie…
Amar: : Very nice of you to have remembered me. 
Dipasha: : (Laughs) I toh always remember you. 
Amar: : An old man like me. 
Dipasha: : Sorry…
Amar: : An old fossil like me…
Dipasha: : Old fossil like you…
Amar: : ya ya…
Dipasha: : I don't think age really matters… Does it? 
Amar: : It matters between the legs na? 
Dipasha: : (Bursts out laughing) Oh God…ha ha ha ha…all right then…you try removing time now…
it's been almost a month now I've not met…
Amar: : Ya we will meet. 
Dipasha: : OK… Right, keep in touch. Bye… 
Dipasha may not be having a flourishing career in acting but she surely seems to be building the right kind of contacts. But Amar Singhji your prem katha will be AMAR for ever. 

But don't you worry, "Kuch to log kahenge, logon ka kaam hai kehna..."

Wednesday, May 11, 2011

Kaliyuga Karna

Karna, the great hero of 'Mahabharata', lived such a life that he became another name for generosity.

We have heard stories from B R Chopra, that once a disguised Indra approached Karna and asked for his kavacha (body armour) and kundala (earrings) as alms. After 2 minutes of camera shifting from one person to another and some long boring song, Karna readily gave them away, cutting the armor and earrings off his body. There used to be some emotion called “Shame” during those days. Indra, felt that emotion seeing the generosity of Karna. He reciprocated by giving Karna the boon to use his most powerful weapon (no not Rohypnol, the date rape drug), but the Vasavi Shakti. 

In today’s age if there is someone who can be compared with Karna’s generosity, its our own Yeddy (as said always, he hates being called Yeddy). When it comes to generosity, Yeddyurappa beats all odds.

We have seen how generous he can be when splurging the state’s wealth,
  1. buying cycles at double the cost
  2. buying damaged sarees from neighboring states at double the money
  3. letting iron ore slip out through our borders into neighboring states and into coffers of miners
  4. distributing wealth in buying MLAs
  5. sponsoring Nitin Gadkari’s son’s big fat wedding
  6. opening up states treasury to mutts and other religious organizations
  7. etc, etc, etc, etc, etc……

We have also seen his generosity in recognizing contribution to the country. Recently, after the Indian cricket team won the world cup, Yeddy generously expressed his appreciation by announcing gifting of precious pieces of real estate.

"It is a joyous occasion for the entire country. We are proud of the Indian cricket team for winning the World Cup after 28 years. In recognition of their achievement, the state government will gift free sites measuring 372 square metres (4,000 square feet) in Bangalore soon to all the 15 cricketers," a beaming Yeddyurappa told reporters.

He then went a step ahead and announced that the coaching staff lead by Gary Kirsten would also get this token of appreciation.

His detractors did not appreciate his act of generosity though, which was expected as even Karna was not the most loved character of B R Chopra’s epic. Some idiots even go on to question if Gary Kirsten would build a house in Bangalore, shift his family from the plush locales of South Africa to bear the horrible traffic, bad road, diminishing tree line of Bangalore. For that matter, would Sachin Tendulkar or MS Dhoni shift to Bangalore. But logic is not something that appears in ‘Generosity’ dictionary. That’s all the thing of past now.

We have recently heard that Yeddy is having discussions with is close friend and fellow lover of Bangalore, Obama. Yeddy wants to organize a valedictory function for the Navy seals, who bravely fought in Pakistan and contributed towards humanity. Yeddy wants to honour them with real estate. His deputy Ashoka has already identified small pieces of land in Bangalore for the same. Below is the list of some illegal occupancies identified for immediate acquirement towards this. 

  1. Lal Bagh
  2. Cubbon Park
  3. Race course
  4. Chinnaswamy stadium
  5. Kanteerava stadium
  6. Golf course
  7. Vidhana soudha
  8. Bannerghata national park
  9. Electronic city
  10. ITPL

The list is longer and is beyond the scope of this article. The navy seals are expected to arrive in stealth aircrafts to avoid the ‘Ragi ball missiles’ thrown by Deve Gowda family.

Yeddy is pulling all strings to ensure that this is a very successful event. All roads in Bangalore will be dug up and re-laid. All gutters in Bangalore will be refurbished and all foot path will be dug up again and re-cemented. All the MLAs (both purchased and the ones who were already sold) have finally some job to do. An estimated 10,000 crores would be spent on this program.

That’s the least Yeddy can do for few guys who have done so much to humanity through Project Geronimo (during the years of search this was called Project Finding Nemo). Who else could be so generous enough other than our Yeddy. 



I doubt if Karna would have been so generous. If Karna was around now, he would have transferred the ‘Generosity’ crown to Yeddy. We could soon see zillions of posters on every nook and corner of Karnataka, on buses, on autos, etc calling him ‘Kaliyuga Karna’.








Saturday, April 23, 2011

Eradication of the poor: A new approach


"We cannot have two Indias. You want the world to believe we are the strongest emerging economy, but millions of poor and hungry people are a stark contrast," the Supreme Court said on Wednesday pointing to a huge gap between poverty eradication measures and spread of the problem. 

Supreme Court’s outrage is clearly against the vast divide between rich and poor. Our scams used to be in lakhs earlier, upgraded to crores, then to 10s of crores, 100s of crores and now we have crossed 1000s of crores. We have also heard of enourmous sums of money being stacked away in Swiss banks. Alarming increase in the numbers of luxury cars in India also paint a fancy picture of the country.

The other side of the story is fancy for all the foreigners visiting the country.

Since its independence, the issue of poverty within India has remained a prevalent concern. As of 2010, more than 37% of India’s population of 1.35 billion still lives below the poverty line. More than 22% of the entire rural population and 15% of the urban population of India exists in this difficult physical and financial predicament. While most of us are trying to cut down our eating to come back to shape, these people are finding it difficult to get 2 proper meals a day.

Since 1950s, the Indian government has implemented a number of programs designed to eradicate poverty (this does not include the personal efforts of politicians to distribute their wealth for votes). However we still continue to have a major percentage of the world’s poor.

UPA government under the able leadership Manmohan Singh has a fresh approach towards this problem. As eradicating poverty is becoming a problem, so they have decided to eradicate the poor.






Heaps of food grains have been destroyed under the auspices of Food Corporation of India (FCI) across the country in the name of storage.  An RTI investigation shows that as on Jan 1 this year, 10,688 lakh tonnes of food grains were found damaged in FCI depots, enough to feed over six lakh people for over 10 years. No food no poor. This approach is expected to continue for few more years under the able guidance of Mr Pawar, who single handedly could account to reducing 30% of India’s poor.

This is not the only strategy which is being followed. In a first of its kind approach, which has got the attention of the whole world, a bank in UP has stated that termites have eaten up a huge pile of currency in their bank.

An army of very hungry termites seem to have munched through 1 crore rupees in currency notes stored in a steel chest at a bank. Bank officials say the notes kept in a 'currency chest' at the branch since January was found to have been reduced to dust. They also claim that the old building has been infested with termites all along.

CBI has been roped in to investigate this and they have reported that this army of termites is likely to move from one bank to another to feast on the new found item on the menu. News on all the job portals is that termites are hiring in full scale. Millions of termite resumes are flooding Monster, Naukri and other job portals.
By this, there is an attempt to eradicate the other menace of India, the middle class.

Thursday, April 14, 2011

Technology assisted acts


School is an interesting time. It’s the time when you jump into the fray of ‘NAAN-VEG” jokes. People move on but some jokes remain. A lot of the jokes have now gone beyond the sacred walls of school and reached unexplored destinations like kitchens of housewives, bathrooms of compulsive forwarders, not to forget corners of temples where pujaris stand reading SMSes.

One such joke revolves around a man (Origin of this man is not important as I have heard it on a sardar, tamilian, bihari, so on.. ) who apparently is so dumb that he doesn’t know how to fornicate (I will leave you at the mercy of dictionary to get further details). This guy goes on to marry (and thereby prove his dumbness, but he is not alone on this, most of us have already done this mistake or on the path of doing this mistake).

Having mentioned his level of dumbness, I will not go on to specify that he has no previous experience on the act of ‘FULFILLMENT’ of marriage (Women can actually file for divorce based on this reason). He expresses his helplessness to another man (father/ uncle/ mama.. different people have different versions). This honorable man (and obviously shaken man) agrees to help. They decide on a telephonic guidance for the act (this used to be a landline earlier, but now has been upgraded to a mobile phone).

So when the D-day comes (or rather D-night), this ‘heights of ignorance’ man (I mean how ignorant can he get, even donkeys know how to do it. Watch discovery or national geography regularly and they will teach you) reaches the bed room and finds the target in the room. He makes the all important call and starts to receive guidance.

After all the, remove the X, now remove the Y, do the *, do the #, comes the final advise “put what you and me have in common ‘IN’,”. Without giving much thought on the poor target which is on the receiving end, we go on to wait for the ‘climax’. This ‘What is the point of being born when you don’t know how to do it’ man ends up putting the phone in (doesn’t matter if it was the landline or mobile). Not to be ashamed, this actually arouses some laugh in the first few times of hearing.

Today, technology is so advanced that some of the stuff it can do is unbelievable. Now, they are being used to assist orthopaedic surgeons in knee-replacement procedures. For the first time in Asia, a Mumbai doctor performed a knee-replacement with the help of an iPod navigation system.  

The patient, 75-year-old Gulab Singhvi, had been suffering from severe joint pain in her left knee for the past four years. Dr Arun Mullaji, who performed the surgery at
Breach Candy Hospital, said: "Though the computer navigation itself was a breakthrough, the iPod navigation allows for better accuracy." 

It’s not long before this technology is modified to assist ignorant idiots with some of the unimaginable ignorance that can ever be imagined. I am sure donkeys don’t need this assistance. If this technology is successful then the above mentioned joke is sure to get phased out. Read it and enjoy it till it lasts.

Monday, April 11, 2011

(Mis)Interpretation of sexuality



It has been quite a while since Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi was assassinated in January 1948 at the age of 78. Lot of Indians were not even born when this incident took place. Its been 63 years since his death but even today people don’t seem to let him rest in peace. His name seems to crop up for many a unwanted reasons.

Joseph Lelyveld, digs up his grave and declares him a bi-sexual in his book titled Great Soul: Mahatma Gandhi and His Struggle. Joseph Lelyveld is the former editor of the New York Times, and a Pulitzer Prize-winning journalist and author.

According to Lelyveld, between 1908 and 1910, Gandhi left his wife to be with wealthy German-Jewish bodybuilder and architect Hermann Kallenbach. But the only evidence Lelyveld gives the reader, is a salacious one-liner where Gandhi allegedly told Kallenback, “How completely you have taken possession of my body. This is slavery with a vengeance.”

I do not know if this statement is backed by any evidence or if this is something that has been a ‘pass the word’ phenomenon. Even if we accept that Gandhi had indeed said the above words, how does one judge the context of the line?

In India, you walk into any hostel, the rooms are shared. 2,3, 4, sometimes more people share one hostel room. If one makes a statement “me & my classmate sleep on the same bed” does that indicate that these 2 are having a homosexual relationship? Or if one makes a statement “I stay with 3 guys in a room” does it make a homosexual group?

I don’t have to specify that in a boys hostel, its not very uncommon to walk around in your undergarments, especially in hostels with shared bathrooms. Shame goes for a toss within the first few weeks of your stay. You are even paraded naked during your raging season. People watch porn in groups, and at times there is an embarrassing (and funny) situation of catching someone fulfilling himself of a testosterone surge. 

Though I was a day scholar, I have stayed in the hostel numerous times. I have shared friend’s room. I have even shared friend’s bed, sometimes with multiple people. There was no exchange of any bodily fluids though. This did not seem a big deal back then. It used to be a friends thing. Those were the days when you could put your arm around a friend of the same sex without raising many eye brows.

If I rewind back a few more years and jump into my childhood, I remember a game we used to play “Who can pee the farthest”. It used to be a very entertaining and a pride filled game. There were other versions of this game which I would refrain from mentioning here.  But, you cannot play this game without getting to see the other guys “pipe”.

I am very happy that Lelyveld does not know that I exist. However, I am a very scared person today. 50 years after my death, if somebody writes a biography on me and uses the same logic as Lelyveld then I would be screwed.




It looks like I have done so many things which some guy from some foreign country might interpret in a DIFFERENT way.