Mishine Impossible: Chronicles of Balanna

This is not an original piece. I could not stop myself from putting this in. This is Telugu industry's answer to Tom Cruise starrer Mission Impossible. Balakrishna, Son of NTR famously known as Balanna to every at "Unbelievable, Unimaginable and Unthinkable Stunt lovers Association" 

Hero Balakrishna and his brother were captured by the baddies and they tied Balakrishna onto a chair...Those idiots didnt know that Balakrishna cannot be stopped by a simple chair... 

Here is our hero's brother...The baddies tied him up too and fixed a time-bomb across his stomach...The bomb looks more like a pack of sausage rolls..hehee.. 

Balakrishna sees some bullet shells lying on the floor....This means that the baddies had a gun...But they decided to use a time-bomb to give the 'finishing touch'...This is what i call 'Innovative Thinking'...

The shells triggered Balakrishna's brain (if any) and suddenly he has an idea...He throws himself onto the floor and starts moving towards the bullet shells...

Now, lets hv a look at the time-bomb...The timer(presumably a pager covered in plastic) is ticking...See the weird buttons on the bomb??...The red button is the On-Off button!!...Now, this is the world's first time-bomb with such a convenient on-off button....This is what i call a 'User-friendly Time-bomb'...Very easy to handle...Can b used even by infants.... 

Coming back to our hero, he is struggling to reach the shells...Look at his _expression...

Finally, he manages to reach the shells...He picks up a shell with his mouth as if it is Kappalandi (Cashew nut)...The viewers have no idea what the hell he is up to...Read on...

He concentrates with the shell between his teeth...Look at the sweat on his face...Gives an impression of how hard he is concentrating...With all his strength, he spits the bullet shell towards the bomb... 

Loo and behold!!..The shell flies like a bullet through the air....Credit goes to Balakrishna here...He has the ability to make a shell work like a bullet...He can be a good asset to the Indian army...The shell reaches the time-bomb and hits exactly the green button!!...The time-bomb gets switched off!!...Balakrishna saves himself and his brother!!...

Dont forget to see this greatest spectacle on youtube. Move over Tom cruise, Balanna is here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2wMkimTisY

Aal Izz Well

“We the Indians are ready to host the commonwealth Games 2010 & welcome the world to help us show India’s unique hospitality. We will provide facilities unheard of in many games villages around the world” … This is what the OC (used to be organizing committee, last time I heard) officials boasted few weeks earlier. They have kept up their promise. Athletes were allotted apartments in the village and indeed found facilities unheard or unseen in any games villages around the world. Laborers had used these apartments for defecation. Stray dogs were feasting on the faeces. Clearly, the most unique hospitality the athletes could not have got anywhere in the world.

 

Athletes from New Zealand, Scotland, Canada and Ireland have praised the Games village as ‘unlivable’. Where else in the world could they experience the famous ‘unlivable’ environment? Our laborers and stray dogs would never be able to appreciate the value of living in ‘unlivable’ environment. No wonder foreign tourists appreciate India and its heritage better.  

A Canadian newspaper writes, "Monsoon rains, a dengue fever epidemic, car bombs, a collapsing pedestrian bridge, corrupt construction rackets, traffic Armageddon, indifferent politicians and a filthy athletes' village that does not even have proper plumbing yet. Or wiring. Or paint on the walls,".

As rightly pointed out by Commonwealth Games Organizing Committee (CGOC) secretary-general Lalit Bhanot the standards of cleanliness and hygiene differ from one person to the other. What one thought was clean may not appear that clean to others. The same way, what one person feels as filthy may be clean to others. We are surrounded by faeces, public urination, stray dogs, pan stains etc and we feel this is clean and hygienic. We expect the visiting athletes appreciate it as much as we do. 

The same paper continues to write, "India's showcase moment is at hand. The entire world is watching. But what the entire world is seeing - at least so far - looks more like the travails of a First World wannabe nation still struggling with its lingering Third World problems." 

To this Lalit Bhanot clarified. “We have told the Chefs de Mission that the level of hygiene and cleanliness at the Games Village will be upgraded within 36 hours.” In all likelihood, all facilities would be upgraded from travails of First World War to travails of Second World War in the next 36 hours.

Australia's swimming coach Leigh Nugent says hygiene at the Commonwealth Games Village in Delhi is a bigger concern for him than the terror threats.

He quotes, "You can go to a Western-style country and still get sick, but on the subcontinent they have bugs we have no resistance to. Things like vomiting and diarrhea can run rampant through a team, wreaking havoc on months of preparation and destroying medal chances. So you have to be extra vigilant and make sure you have as many preventative measures in place as you can.” The best preventative measure I can think of is to outsource participation. We can have people from India and other Asian countries participate on behalf of Australians. 

Leigh Nugent continues, “All the Australian swimmers have been given hand-sanitizing gel, probiotics to boost immunity and long-sleeved shirts, long trousers and bug repellent plus mosquito zappers to guard against diseases such as dengue and malaria. And even when you're having a shower, you should keep your mouth closed.” Looks like Australians seem to be missing air filters/purifiers. We have many viruses/bacteria/bugs which enter through the nose.

Leigh Nugent goes on, “We're living in the village with probably 7000 or 8000 other people and not everyone has good hygiene, and you don't know who's touched the door in front of you. Touching things, you can pick up bugs that you're not used to in our normal environment and next thing you're sick and out of action. All of these bugs are invisible, so you have to be ultra-careful.” This is the same challenge which astronauts face when they are visiting some unknown planet. All visiting athletes should be provided with space suits. This would help provide the same level of protection as astronauts would get.

In view of the short time available for the whole cleaning process, OC members could consider sprinkling “Yamunajal” (sister concern of Gangajal) to purify the whole Games village. There is a plenty of it available for this purpose now.

The silver lining is that Shah Rukh Khan is expected to attend the CWG opening ceremony. We are surely showcasing out best to the world. Its time to say “Aall iz well”

Dabangg

Salman has delivered a “The Bangg” hit with his Dabangg. We have been hearing news of cash registers ringing and the producer dancing his way to the bank. Songs are a rage and would continue to be for the rest of the festive season. “Munni” is bound to replace “Beedi” as the national anthem of the masses. Promos had created quite a buzz, Salman making the caterpillar moustache look amazingly endearing. One of the best launch pads any new comer could dream of, for “Ooomph” Sinha, daughter of the famous “Khaamosh” Sinha.

 

Salman also delivered a “Dabangg” performance with his statement on Mumbai attack. Only Salman could deliver a punch line, “The whole world knows Pakistan had nothing to do with it” and get a patriot certificate from, can you imagine MNS and Shiv Sena. The same MNS and Shiv sena, who are the flag bearers for marathi-ism, Hinduism and Hindustanism supported Salman (this feat could not be matched by Big B too).  Truly, Salman is the one and only “Dabangg” of Bollywood.

But the biggest “Dabangg” of all is Golu Jagtap from Madhya pradesh. We have heard of people stealing bicycles, we have also heard of people stealing bikes and we have heard of people stealing cars, but Golu tried to achieve a feat that is unparalleled in the history. He tried to take off with a train and that too when it was filled with hundreds of people.

He probably could have sold the components of the train in “Chor Bazaar”, wonder what he would have done with the people.

He got into an unmanned engine of Mhow-Ratnam Fast passenger and tried to get away with it. I guess he chose the Fast passenger because he wanted to be “Gone in 60 seconds”. It would have been quite a feat, but unfortunately for him he could not locate the accelerator of the locomotive. He managed to steer the train for 50 meters, quite an achievement for the first attempt.

He has been arrested by the Railway police, but clearly he has proved himself to be the biggest “Dabangg” of all. 

Legalizing the World's oldest profession

Prostitution is always referred to as the World's Oldest Profession. The first prostitute was one of our cave dwelling ancestors who was 'nice' to a cave man in exchange for a haunch of mammoth. It was a common sense 'survival' sort of arrangement back then. Things have not changed. It still is today. 

Historically Hindu mythology does not have anything against this profession. Rather the depiction of the character of Basantasena (played by Rekha) in the film Utsav eulogizes the profession, showing they were accepted by the society. I don’t know the authenticity of the story, but remember the character Vasantasena from some other story of the same era. Hence I can safely say that they were accepted in ancient Indian society.

Modern day prostitution can go back to the Devadasi system of South India, Baijees of North India. We find the profession was established around temple towns and near Palaces. In old Kolkata, where the erstwhile Zamindars resided, this profession was patronized by the high-class society, rich and the aristocracy.

But prostitutes are not a respected lot.

Governments across the world are faced with the question of legalizing this profession. The Supreme Court of India supports legalizing prostitution. 
"They (sex workers) have been operating in one way or the other and nowhere in the world have they been able to curb it by legislation. In some cases, they (the trade) is carried out in a sophisticated manner. So, why don't you legalize it?" Justices Dalveer Bhandari and AK Patnaik told Solicitor-General Gopal Subramaniam. 

It’s high time this profession is legalized. They should receive benefits like Provident fund, Retiral benefits, tax exemption etc. In fact, their service should also be subsidized by the Government. They should also be honored with President’s medal, life time achievement awards etc. As lunatic as I may sound, these people serve to protect the innocent.  

The main reason why prostitution remains relevant till today is because sex has always been regarded as a highest form of pleasure for humans and thus explains peoples’ crave for it. The same craving results in bizarre and unbelievable acts. We have seen umpteen incidents of rape highlighted in the media (not to forget hundreds of fake rapes.. a la.. violinist L Subramanian and the more famous Shiney Ahuja). There are two incidents in newspaper today, which are so disturbing and were the motivation for me to write this piece.   

In a shocking incident, two tipsy youths stormed into a temporary house of an 85-year-old widow and allegedly raped her. The incident took place on the outskirts of Hardoi district (Uttar Pradesh). The victim is in a critical condition, doctors are trying to stabilize her.

In another incident, a 20-year-old man tried to rape his one-and-a-half-year-old neighbour. He failed in his intention as the mother reached the place before he could succeed in his attempt. This happened in Bangalore.

By legalizing prostitution and making it easily available to craving individuals, we may be able to save some innocents from such attacks. These attacks crush the entire lives of affected individuals. (Quite the opposite in case of Shiney) 

Humaare paas MAA hain

Politicians seem to have developed a new relationship… with foot wear!!!

After an Iraqi journalist became an international sensation by his SHOE-CIDAL attack on former US President George Bush in a press conference, relationship between shoe and politicians was established.

In India, a senior journalist Jarnail Singh kicked off the relationship with a SHOE-CIDAL attack on Home Minister P Chidambaram. Both these journalists were flooded with gifts, cash and even marriage proposals for their match making efforts.

Politicians, who have faced the shoe throwing protests in one form or the other, include Home Minister  P Chidambaram, Congress MP Naveen Jindal, BJP leader L K Advani and the latest entrant to this elite group is Jammu and Kashmir Chief Minister Omar Abdullah. 

Bellary was witness to a foot wear relationship of another kind.

When in trouble, reach out to the ‘MAA’. Recently concluded Congress padyatra and rally posed a question to the Reddy’s “Hamare paas log hain, tumhaare paas kya hain?”. Reddy’s took a leaf out of Bollywood and replied “Haamare paas MAA hain?” They let the “Maa” call out by inviting her to the mass marriage ceremony in Bellary. ‘Maa’ came running and lent her ‘AANCHAL’ to the battered Reddys. Obviously, ‘Mamtaa’ is a strong bond, especially when your adopted sons are billionaires. Even Advani would have come running, if they had called him ‘MAA’.  

After all the ‘Mere baccho ko tang math karo’, ‘Agar dubaara mere baccho ko tang kiya to main tumhaari Maa ‘Sonia’ se ladungi’ ‘jaon apne ghar ke saamne kelo’ ‘phir se yahan math aana’, Sushma was returning to the car, when she found flowers stuck in her slippers. While struggling to balance herself, she made efforts to remove flowers out of the sandals. Seeing the ‘Maa’ struggling, son Janardhan Reddy emoted “Maa, tumaare chappal mein phool, nahiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiii, main is chappal ka khoon pee jaaoonga”. To which the ‘Maa’ replied “jo koin mere chappal se is phool ko nikaalega, woh mere Beta No 1’. Obviously, Janardhan reddy responded to the mother’s challenge by diving to the floor. He took her slippers and tapped them on the ground to dislodge flowers. Maa was happy and blessed the Beta No 1 in pure Bollywood fashion. 

Media was the all the more happy to oblige and make it a very good photo event. It was a message sent not only to congress but also to CM Yeddy. We’ve all known political relationships have been readily available for display especially in this media rich age. But it was difficult to imagine that the display would stoop to the level of footwear. 

MPs: Salary hike

When in school, most of us dream of becoming business man, writer, actor, engineer, or scientist. Today the most sought after profession in India is politics (this does not have to do anything with school as most of our politicians have not completed schooling).

A tour of Bangalore would show case pictures of thousands and tens thousands of wannabe politicians. Aesthetics of Bangalore city is no more trees and flowers but posters of these budding politicians (or social workers as they prefer to call themselves). Serving the poor is a noble profession but if collateral damage of serving poor is becoming crorepatis then so be it. No wonder more than 25% of Indian politicians are crorepatis (officially). Only a small percentage of these crorepatis have earned money by business, rest of them have earned money by serving the poor. No wonder, this has become the most sought after profession.

If somebody did an analysis of the owners of the number of Audis, Mercs, Bentleys, BMWs and high end vehicles of mortal brands like Honda, Hyundai, Chev etc in the country, a large number of them would belong to some or the other politician.

Each day, we get to hear of scandals worth thousands of crores. Each of this scandal has politicians right in the middle of it. When the threshold is set to this standard, our Members of Parliament decide to play a rude joke on the people of the country. They demand a salary hike saying that price rise is affecting them. They fight over a salary hike from Rs 16000 to 80,000. There is criminal waste of public money in the name of adjournment. In the end they settle for a salary of Rs 50000. 

Wouldn’t you rather do a Real estate business and earn Rs 50,000 instead of getting into the cut throat world of Politics, where you are have to throw chairs in Parliament or do some other kind of drama to make your presence felt or to remain in public view. Not to forget the bad name its bound to bring you, considering the crowd you belong to does enough to deserve the bad name.

I am not aware of many Rs 16,000 earners, owning cars. Now with their salary hiked to Rs 50,000, they probably will upgrade from Audis/Mercs/BMWs to private helicopters.

NDTV is raising a funny forum: Will higher salaries for MPs help reduce corruption? It may only reduce traffic on the roads if they start using their private helicopters. 

Pinnacle Movie Experience on 3-D

This is the most hilarious stuff that I have read in the recent times. I just could not stop myself from writing about it.

Avatar, the block buster movie changed the movie perception all together. It earned billions of dollars at the box office, becoming the most profitable movie ever made. Its commercial success established beyond doubt that audiences throughout the world love to watch special effects and are ready to accept computer-generated creatures as human beings. It also showed that moviegoers are prepared to wear special glasses for more than two hours to experience the movie in 3-D.

This opened a flood gate of 3 dimensional movies. Alice in wonderland, Hubble 3 D, how to train your dragon, Clash of titans, Shrek forever after, Toy story 3, Despicable me, Step up 3 D are some of the movies that released in 3D ever since. There are many more lined up for release. 

But nothing can beat "3-D Sex & Zen: Extreme Ecstasy", world’s first three dimensional porn film. Brain child of director Christopher Sun, this movie comes from the Hong Kong stable.

I let my imagination run wild but I am just unable to imagine how porn would look on 3-dimension. Pornography is already quite a rage, but 3-D might catapult it to a whole new level. “Silicone” and “Mynewsize^TM” had already made the porn industry ‘huge’. 3-D will magnify the whole thing into an augmented climax. No wonder the director quotes "It's not just erotica; they want some 'wow factor!”.

This movie is based on a classic Chinese erotic text, "The Carnal Prayer Mat," the $3 million film follows a young man as he befriends a duke and enters a world of royal orgies and other sexual peccadilloes. The producers are hoping the erotic period drama will prove a titillating hit with 3-D-glasses-wearing audiences and help develop a lucrative, niche film market. This film has attracted the attention of distributors across Asia and Europe.

Anything new not only gets an enormous response but also gets duplicated quite easily.  India is already among the leading baby manufacturers of the world. Movies of this genre will take the baby making industry in India to a whole new level.