Friday, March 26, 2010

Think before you whistle

Bangalore is a great place for tea lovers. There are thousands of road side tea options. Being an avid tea lover, I am often found in one of these spots.

On a pleasant day, I was sipping (and enjoying) tea and catching up with current events. That’s when something caught my attention. A very good looking female was crossing the street. Like any other normal guy (I am not considering the hetero/homo aspects here), my eyes followed her. A great person has said “bar bar dekho, hazaar baar dekho.. ke dekhne ki cheez hai……….). I am a great follower of that pious man. I was not looking ‘hazaar bar’, but my first ‘bar’ was pretty extended. In my defense all I can say is that I was not the only one who was looking at her.

Deep down my heart I felt I was humming a poem. I was startled, I am not romantically poetic. Me and poems don’t go well together. When I focused hard, I realized it was just the lyrics of the song playing loud on the radio.

I moved my focus back on the attractive canvas on the road. She looked expensive (Don’t get me wrong. I am not trying to put a price on her, but I meant to say that the dress and accessories on her was higher end). It was quite a sight. I had seen such coordinated neck movement only when the ball leaves the bat of the batsman towards the boundary. As more and more necks turned, it became evident that she was walking towards a very high-end chauffeured SUV parked on the other side of the road.

This raised the bar (a few more bars in fact- not the previous ‘bar bar dekho’ bar) a notch higher. This was a very good chance for putting in some money for all those wanna be betters. Does the car belong to her? (alternately does she belong to the car?) or not? I definitely would have put my money on ‘Does the car belong to her’ (alternately does she belong to the car?). Involuntarily, I was chewing my nails off.

Step after step and the possibility of me winning the stake was increasing. My heart rate was going up and it was pounding away to glory. To add to the tension the chauffeur, who looked more like Frankenstein dressed in white got down from the car. As she moved closer, he became like a tamed, modest monster. His hands moved to the handle of the car and he opened it. He held the door open for her to get in. I was exuberant with joy. I had won the bet (imaginary though). Out of joy, I was about to let out a loud whistle but for some strange reason I stopped myself.

Our beloved Mulayam singh Yadav has predicted that "If the Women's Reservation Bill goes through, it's the daughters of industrialists and big bureaucrats who will get elected. The girls who will be elected will be the sorts who get whistled at by boys.”

What if this one is the next home minister of the country? I don’t have the guts to whistle at the home minister of the country.

I tamed the whistling monster in me!!!!

Friday, March 12, 2010

Idiot box: Full of idiots

Frank Sinatra was a great singer and an actor. He once said “A man doesn’t know what happiness is until he’s married. By then it’s too late”. This is not something that my dear friend Rahul Mahajan seems to believe in.

Why would he have to? NDTV imagine started a circus campaign and announced that the winner gets to marry the most eligible bachelor on this planet, Rahul Mahajan (Romeo Mahajan as I fondly call him- He is always in love with somebody or the other at any given time).

A mad rush followed and a whopping 14500 young women signed up to join the circus. Rahul is the pied piper of modern world.

Move over Salman, Ranbir, Imran.. Rahul Mahajan (Romeo) is the new heart throb. If only looks could kill, then Romeo would have been the epitome of non-violence, the mahatma of 21st century.

It’s not surprising that 14500 girls wanted the prize catch of RM. He has such a exceptional resume. He initially became famous more because of his father’s death than due to any of his achievements.

He has learnt flying, but thank god he doesn’t fly any more. He is known for such humanitarian feats as causing ruckus in bars, and hitting on girls while on live television.

He has also committed such benevolent acts as marrying his childhood friend Shweta, beating her to near-death every two days, divorcing her, using drugs like cocaine with champagne, being locked up by the police on charges of drug possession and consumption, and having an affair with with Payal Rohtagi. His behaviour on the sets of Big Boss-2 has been exemplary.

After weeks of singing, dancing and all other drama, Romeo Mahajan finally tied the knot with Dimpy Ganguly. The wedding was a lavish affair at the Leela Kempinski Hotel. Several celebrities graced the event to shower their blessings on the couple.

Dimpy Ganguly (real name Soumasri) is 21-year-old model from Kolkata, reportedly she had given up a major role in a Bollywood film to participate in the Swayamvar (can there any more dumber people. this is the example for self suicide). She also breached a contract that bound her to Maureen Wadia's Gladrags agency. In the audition deadly (or wanna be dead) Dimpy had mentioned that she first fell in love with Romeo when she was 5 years old (Romeo must have fallen off his chair when he first heard it. Not sure how many more times she has fallen in love after that).

Incidentally the show was supposed to air in December 2009, but was pushed back. According to insiders the girl who had actually won the contest (Nikunj) refused to marry Romeo and actually ran away after she received the cash. She had come only for fame and publicity instead of the excellent Romeo Mahajan. As a result the producers decided to re-shoot the final episode. Dimpy was chosen as rebound. The lines Romeo said, when he chose Dimpy were, “People say you can die in love, but for me you are worth living for. I can say in front of the whole world that I love you”. (these must be the lines written for the other girl, chosen earlier)

To this Dimpy replied “I love you too”. (both of them are outdoing each other)

Let me slightly modify what Frank Sinatra had said, “A woman doesn’t know what happiness is until she’s married. By then it’s too late”.

Let’s wish Dimpy Ganguly a very happy and blissful married life for as long as it lasts.

“All marriages are happy. It's the living together afterward that causes all the trouble.” -Raymond Hull

Sunday, March 7, 2010

When CUPID strikes......

I was watching 'Notting hill' on TV the other day. I have seen this movie a number of times but can watch it many more times. I am a movie buff and love those romantic comedies. They inspire many stupid actions.

It’s also nearing woman’s day. Everyone talks about women (don’t we do all the time) during this time. I wanted to do my bit too.

The protagonist of this story is a 19 year young girl (they are always young). As always keeping the name a secret, I would call her ‘The S”. Apart from studying, this young lady seemed to specialize in event management. The reason I say that is she and her group were recently involved in organizing many a ‘25th year wedding anniversaries’.

She seems to be nurturing an alternate career for herself as a 25th year anniversary specialist (the only disadvantage would be that she may never be able to repeat her clients. How many do we know who will celebrate 25th anniversary twice in their life?). I have not been lucky enough to witness her event management skills, but I heard she can give the ‘Barjatiyas’ a run for their money.

During a few of her events, she was associated with a young man, who among everything else was a distant relative too (I hope not the Rakhi tying type). Again keeping the name a secret, I would like to call him ‘The V’. Being in the spring of their lives, both passed on plenty of vibes and text messages (SMSes) to each other. Keeping hands off the key pad became a difficult thing.

Cupid finally struck and they SMSed their way to each other’s heart. The fact that the names of all important people in ‘The V’s” life started with ‘S’ accelerated this process.

During the twilight of a fine day ‘The V’ SMSed the big question. A customary no at 7 pm was followed with a big yes at 10 pm. The string of SMSes continued throughout the night and sleep was not the luxury they needed that night. But they did hit the sack for a couple of hours.

‘The S’ looked forward to the morning and as expected her message box was full. She was surprised to see messages from many unexpected numbers. A few of this were known numbers and many were unknown numbers. The one she knew had a strange naughty tone in their SMSes. And the ones she did not know seemed to know a lot about her. This was strange initially but disturbing as the trend continued. Her message tone kept ringing and was catching the attention of ‘Hitler’ mom.

‘The S’ did not know what was happening but she had to figure it out quick. Something unexpected happened, her message tone screamed again and it was from ‘The V’s” mother. Suddenly the tube light went on. ‘The S’ realized that the news was out in the open. Her world had changed forever, so had her identity.

Vodafone night talk option and unlimited messaging option had changed her life forever. Luckily, her parents had a BSNL connection. Finally she started liking the BSNL connection.

She gave up her limited option phone for another one which could hold many more phone numbers.

I vaguely remember having heard of some obscure word called ‘privacy’. Not sure if it still exists in the dictionary.

Thursday, March 4, 2010

Jack ass: Dumb or dumber?

The other day, I bumped into a friend of mine, ****** (name not revealed due to security reasons). Meeting a friend is always a great occasion to have a cup of ‘KAPHY”. We were chatting over ‘by two’ kaphy. He mentioned that he had a minor change in his name.

Changing names due to numerology has become a fab thing. Everyone in Bollywood does it, so does everyone in Sandalwood (that’s our kannada movies). Whether you take newcomers or seasoned actors there’s a twist of numerology, or at least astrology, somewhere when they are going to decide on their new movies, co-stars, movie names, numbers of their mobiles, phones or cars and yes before befriending as well.

Neetu become NETTOO. Anu malik became AaNuu Mallik. Imran hasmi became Emraan hashmi. Kiron kher became Kirron kher (god know how shah rukh khan would pronounce it now k..k..k..k.. i..r..rr…rr…o..n)

But ****** clarified that he has not changed this name due to numerology but due to a recent incident in his life.

Two villains grabbed a piece of land from ******. They obviously have fake papers for this land (every piece of land has at least 3-4 owners in our country. This is what keeps our judiciary busy). ****** approached police to save his land (What a moron!! I think he stays in fairyland or he doesn’t watch many movies).

As most of you have guessed by now, police refused to help him. They in turn file a case against him for harassing villain’s wife (I will skip his description of this lady, she clearly thinks too high of herself to be filing a harassment complaint). ****** then approached higher ups in the police department (was he trying to out do himself; or was he raising the bar- of dumbness). Higher ups advised him to meet the local MLA (all is fair in love and land grabbing).

MLA’s are always considerate. MLA in question was willing to help for a small 7 digit figure fees (nobody believes in work for charity).

Fed up of the system, ****** approached Lokayukta (anti corruption wing specializing at digging out corrupt people and allowing media to have lot of fun for a few days. Nothing happens beyond that).

Anti-corruption wing trapped the MLA red handed when he is accepting the bribe. Media makes hash when its sunshine. MLA is asked to resign on moral grounds. ****** is projected as a winner.

The MLA was customarily arrested and sent to hospital (all arrested dignitaries are sent to hospitals as they have an immediate medical problem). While in the comfort of the hospital, he claimed innocence and conspiracy (this is cliché).

Then a few months later, a house panel (consisting MLA’s from the same party) does an investigation. This panel concluded that the charges against MLA cannot be proved due to lack of proper evidence. Now isn’t that expected from brotherhood? MLA is free from all charges and ready for the kill.

Then comes the final and most important twist, this team recommended stringent action against my friend. He will surely lose his land, he also has a case of harassment against him and he has to bear the brunt of our innocent MLA Mr Sampangi from the nearby gold fields of Kolar.

No wonder my friend decided to change his name to JACK ASS.