Friday, May 17, 2013

The Angelina Effect

Angelina Jolie prior to the surgery.. showing off!!!
In what is being seen as the most brutal attack on mankind, Angelina Jolie has got rid of vital body parts. Mankind is shattered and is in a state of shock.

We all know that Angelina has been a source of inspiration for many activities.

There have been varied reactions across India. Protestors have taken to the street. They have burnt effigies of the doctor who carried out this procedure.

Shri Ram sene leader, Pramod Mutha-lick and his stupid followers see this as a insult to Hindu culture. They feel this vital part is sacred to Hindu culture and the same is reflected in all carvings of our temples. 

Pramod Muthalik demonstrating the mode of grabbing at women
They were seen running around streets of Bangalore trying to grab at women on the road. Their organization has given a statement that this is to check and punish any Indian women who may have done similar acts. Being rightful protectors of Hindu culture, they want to protect the essential parts of Hindu womanhood.

Mutha-lick even appeared on a popular news channel condemning this act. He mentioned that he and his followers are finding it difficult to salivate ever since they have heard this news. The effect was quite visible on TV. He was not drooling and did not need any Pink Chaddi to dry himself.

A public interest litigation has been filed in the magistrate court by Staneshwar Kumar Seena, on behalf of an organization called Self-help group. He has demanded that these prized assets be immediately reinstated. 

As expected, Arundathi Roy has again reacted against normal public perception. She is always known to have a perception which is exact opposite of Indian public. She has praised Angelina for what she calls an exemplary act of bravery. She has even advised all women in Delhi to follow the footsteps of Angelina. As per Ms Roy, this is likely to reduce the number of rapes in Delhi.

Public outrage

Meanwhile, there have been widespread protests across the country. Many organizations have expressed their anger at this ghastly act. One such organization “MILK Foundation (Masters in Libido killing)” has demanded that the excised body part be handed over to them. They are considering building a temple. This as per MILK would become a pilgrimage haven.

All in all, the Angelina Effect has kicked up quite a storm. This refuses to die down.

Monday, December 31, 2012

Delhi protest: Rear view mirror

Over the last few days we witnessed massive protests across the country, especially Delhi over the rape incident. There were violent interactions between police and Aam Janta. All news channels did an in depth coverage of this incident.  Water jets were being used on the protesters. People were getting injured due to the lathi charge.

As the drama unfolded on TV, different sections of media spoke at lengths about police atrocity and anti-social elements becoming a part of this protest. Each individual had a different opinion and version of this story. However, there are many versions which did not come out in the open.

There are stories running in the secret corners of political circles. As per one individual who refused to be named, the order to use water canons came from very highly placed authorities. This decision was taken after a high level meeting involving politicians and experts from all Government departments. Most of them had to be recalled from official foreign tours to Thailand, Singapore, Maldives and Gulf along with their family and friends. The summary of this meeting as below.

Winters can be very cruel on us. It's so cold early in the morning with temperature dipping each year. Delhi specially is known to have temperatures in single digits. It is not a weather in which one would be motivated to take bath. Research has proved that the sale of deodorants is higher during winters, significantly higher than summer sales. Common sense would make us think otherwise. The ones who cannot afford deodorants are walking odour sources. Individually, this may not cause any social issues. However, collectively it could have a massive impact. 
When people started collecting in huge numbers, body odour levels started going up. Permissible odour limit in Delhi is quite low considering high VIP presence. As the crowd started moving towards Rashtrapathi bhavan, security apparatus picked up approaching high levels of body odour. As more and more people joined the protest, body odour levels kept increasing and touched first warning level. Higher officials were intimated and triggered police deployment.  Special masks imported from Russia were provided to police. This specially fragranced masks helped police stand in between the stench of body odour.

Media coverage, facebook and SMS helped bring in more and more crowd.  Soon odour level crossed danger mark and all dignitaries had to be evacuated to safe zones. Levels crossed the capacity of the masks and many policemen were found losing consciousness. Higher ups were reached out and the entire police machinery hit a panic button.  An emergency meeting was held with experts of all departments and the all-important politicians. Special screening of English movie 'Independence day' was organised to help deal with national emergencies like these. After viewing the movie, it was decided that the only way to get rid of this odour challenge was by giving washing these individuals.  
This was a unanimous decision. Easiest source of water as always is Cauvery water. Special tribunal was advised to order release Cauvery water. Special containers were airlifted to KRS dam. These were filled with water and these containers were rushed to back to Delhi. The water was fragranced with Sandal oil to bring in faster results. This fragranced water was sprayed on all those who participated in the protest. Odour levels were periodically monitored during this entire process. Those who refused to take bath were lathi charged till they agreed. Water canons were continued till odour levels dropped way below warning levels.

This high secret operation was code name “Operation Axe Effect”.  It is likely to become one of the best kept secrets of Indian history unless Wiki leaks it.

Monday, March 19, 2012

Cubbon Park: From Lover's park to Love Park

Sunday afternoon is a perfect time for a lazy dependence on television. Brain stops working and nothing on TV seems sensible. Hands get tired of torturing the remote control by continuously holding the channel change button. Finally, we accept defeat and surrender to the mercy of some channel. Having accepted defeat, our mind tries to find logic in the crazy stuff that we end up watching.

One such lazy Sunday afternoon, my stomach was full and no part of my body was willing to move. I lay on the bed having accepted defeat to a Kannada music channel. I was not sure if the terrible looking anchor was talking more or shaking more. My eyes refused to move much but he kept swinging and swaying. My lazy mind tried to tell this guy to stop shaking as it could not focus on the crap he seemed to be talking. He went on and on; after shaking and barking for a long time, there was sudden silence. Apparently, he had stopped making the noise that he was making. It was song time; finally the music channel was playing a song instead of showing us a shaky, noisy, terrible looking VJ, who I believe was trying to make a joke (probably of himself).

What followed was a pure melody, an Ilayaraja creation for Mani Ratnam’s debut movie; “Naguva Nayana Madhura Mouna” from the movie “Pallavi Anu Pallavi”. This Anil Kapoor starrer had some excellent music and the movie was way ahead of its time. It’s pure ManiRatnam magic.

Coming back to the song, this melodious number has been shot against the backdrop of CUBBON PARK. For a Bangalorean like me who always complains on the disintegration of Bangalore but never does anything regarding that, this is a treat to watch. The colourful background of the lush green trees with blooming flowers brings back memories of the excellent city this used to be.

My complaining apart, the lazy brain of mine starting doing what it does best.. Brooding!! Cubbon park was the perfect location for a family weekend get together. Come Sunday and the place would be filled with children playing, adults gossiping while hogging the pot luck lunch. It was an excellent setting for almost everyone in the family. But it was even better for the lovers back then. This was easily the lover’s paradise. Couples could come spend some quite time with each other, take off for a walk hand in hand while listening to the birds chirping. Perfect setting for “old world romance” as it used to be.

Today, Cubbon Park still attracts crowd. With changing times, it has transformed itself from a “LOVER’S PARADISE” to “LOVE PARADISE”. We at Bangalore are gifted to multiple access road right cutting through Cubbon Park. As we pass through this wonderful stretch of greenery, while emitting poisonous gases from our polluting vehicles, we get to see all sorts of couples. Different combinations of all the 3 sexes, Male/Female/others could be found in various stages of pleasure.

Gone are the days when people when to Cubbon Park to watch birds. Today Cubbon Park is more famous for watching BIRDS, you know what I mean!!!

Saturday, January 7, 2012

9th Wonder of the world: Misunderstood statues of Maya

Facebook has changed the social fabric of our country. There is a revolution of sorts happening in India. It’s a mandatory requirement for everyone to have a Facebook account. Everyone from housewife to a corporate honcho has a Facebook account to flaunt. “Don’t you have a Facebook account?” is the dreaded question everyone wants to avoid. Grandmothers are learning to use Facebook from their grandkids, while parents do not want to be left behind. 

The only other revolution of this sort was when television became popular in the country. It initially started off as the thing to have. Everyone wanted to have television. As the television sales increased, not having a television became an insult. Everyone had to have a TV in their house.
Facebook has been na├»ve not to have a “Do it yourself” kind of courses. Everyone seems to be learning Facebook usage by looking at others’ pages. “If X does it then I guess it must be a trend or 
THE thing to do, so I better do it” seems to be the mantra.

The easiest way one can make a Facebook profile look strong is to fill it up with pictures. You are sitting in an auto with/without a friend, click a picture and upload it on FB. Out for a lunch/dinner, click a picture and upload it on FB. Sitting up late in the night, click pictures for a good profile picture. Even a stray dog on the street is not spared, click a picture standing next to it and there it goes into FB. Some even upload their honeymoon pictures (the ones with clothes on).  Now it’s become a trend to scan those old black and white pictures from the dusty albums and upload them.

You just cannot venture out without a camera, be it a mobile phone camera or a point & shoot one. You never know when a photo opportunity strikes.  Putting up pictures on a public domain has become a really pleasurable activity. So much so, that soon FB would have to multiply its server count.  

Not everyone in India is lucky enough to have access to computers. Even if they do have computers they may not have the technical know-how. Some may not have a guiding soul. How do these individuals cope with the need to show the happenings of their life to public?
A certain Behenji from the wild Uthar Pradesh thought out of the box and came up with a brilliant plan. She installed statues of herself and her close ones across the state.

When we upload photos on FB, we use the server space of FB. In the same lines, Behenji used public space and public funds to install the statues. It’s hard to figure out why the country is making such a huge fuss about these statues.
Election commission has gone a step further and has asked these statues to be kept covered till elections get over. We do not come across any such measures against the crores of pictures being uploaded on FB every day.

When there is no restriction on the pictures which can be uploaded (as long as they don’t have leaders of congress party), it would be wrong to target the statues of Mayawathi. These are after all her FACE BOOKed in marble.    

Sunday, June 19, 2011

We deserve the leaders we choose!!!!

We have seen this... 

We have seen this too.. 

Who can forget this... 

                 Of course we have seen this..  

 But did we deserve to see this??????

We clearly deserve the leaders we choose

Tuesday, May 24, 2011

HR: The most feared name in India

Terrorism has occurred throughout history, but today the world is experiencing a global rebirth of attacks. Today it no longer affects only small societies, such as isolated third world countries who fell victim to regular terrorist attacks, but the whole world is becoming more familiar with terrorism.

Terrorism comes in various forms. Recent events have shown the intention of neighboring countries to harm India through various means of terrorism.

CBI had recently prepared a list of 50 most wanted terrorists. This list includes some of the most dreaded terrorists of this world. Terrorists who have master minded some of the most horrifying attacks on India through various means.

A name that is on the top of the list is someone, who for the last few years has repeatedly attacked India with deadly strikes. One of the aliases he uses in India is Himesh Reshammiya. He frequently changes his aliases based on numerological requirements. Himesh or HR as he is known to his terrorist friends has recently launched a terrorist organization called “HR Musik Limited”. This name has been carefully chosen to match is limited musical abilities.

The most potent weapon used by HR was the nasal bomb, and he terrorized India on numerous occasions using this rare technology. He gradually added a new weapon, called ‘ACTING’, which has multiplied his potency many fold.

It all started in 2007, when he first struck with ‘Aap Ka Suroor: The Real Luv Story’. Unassuming citizens of India were totally unprepared for this kind of attack. They were dumb struck with multiple levels of cognitive disabilities.

But the worst was yet to come, and he struck again with the lethal ‘Karzzzzzzzzz’ in 2008. The attack was deliberate, extremely violent, and involved large numbers of casualties.  People suffered lasting psychological effects. Even those who only watched the trailer on TV experienced strong psychological reactions.

People could not take the barbaric demolition of an iconic classic, but the thing that hurt most was single expression attack and his staring into nothing just killed everyone. “Ramgopal Varma ka Sholay” is considered the only singular attack in Indian history which was worse than ‘Karzzzzzz’. The title was not the only word which was extended way beyond normal hearing capabilities.

HR struck again with ‘Radio’ in 2009 and this resulted in widespread human suffering with irreparable psychiatric morbidity & disability. Luckily, intelligence agencies were able to scuttle his next attack with ‘Kajraare’ in 2010. There is now a wide belief in the Intelligence network that he is planning to another strike soon with “A* is killed”

Government is seeking support of US intelligence to flush HR out of his hiding. Army wants to conduct a live raid and capture the maverick artist along with his weapons of mass destruction stashed in his hideout which is believed to be the headquarters of HR Musik.

Although he is wanted for his excesses on Indian citizens, Army wants to capture him alive and use him as a tool against the Pakistani military and terrorist establishment. There are plans to use his nasal bomb and beam it with the help of flying loudspeakers fitted with stealth technology.
HR is known to be a master of disguise and uses different wigs & caps to change his appearance. This has been the biggest challenge in capturing the elusive terrorist.

Captain Vijaykanth, the greatest Special Ops commandant ever produced by India is being roped in to lead this operation.  As per latest reports, Captain is assembling a special team for this operation. Some of the key names who are likely to be a part of this elite team are Nandamuri Balakrishna (a.k.a Balayya), Suresh Gopi (a.k.a Bharatchandran IPS) and Sunny Deol (greatest BSF commander ever and India’s answer to Sylvestor Stallone). Government is hopeful of capturing this terrorist soon.  

Wednesday, May 18, 2011

Most powerful man on earth

He fell in love with his first wife because she was sincere and eager to please.

His second wife, a cousin, was irresistible because she did everything he wished and nothing he didn't. "That alone made me love her."

His third wife won him because she submitted to his every request. "I saw her, I liked her. I went to her parents and asked for her hand in marriage."

Wife No. 4 was very obedient. So was wife No. 5. Wife No. 6, the same. As were wives 7 and 8 and 9 and …

Well, by then — it was the late 1980s — things had taken off for Bello Maasaba, an Islamic faith healer in
Nigeria. He went from a wedding every few months to one every few weeks.

In a nutshell, this 87-year-old has married 107 women, which, even in a society with a tradition of polygamy, is on the high side. The Nigerian government is not amused. Neither are Islamic authorities in the state.

But he's still marrying, every time Miss Right comes along. He now has 86 wives, the youngest 19 and the oldest 64. Nine have died and 12 he divorced (for disobedience).

He stays in a looming four-story house in
Niger State, with 89 rooms and a broad veranda supported by gold columns. He wears a tall white hat, and smiles a crooked-toothed smile. The pouches under his eyes give him a mournful air. But there's barely a wrinkle on his forehead, and he professes to have no worries. This is not something that many men even with single marriages could take pride in.

But the question that quickly comes into mind is, does he even fulfill the sanctity of the marriage (You know what I mean by that). Apparently, these are not just marriages for the sake of marriages. He has actually fathered 172 children.

We live in a society where women are filing for divorce because their husbands (this is not to indicate multiple husbands but it’s a match for the plurality of women) are not able to fulfill the physical requirements of marriage. Here is a man who maintains a capability of managing and satisfying 86 women. 

"A man with 10 wives would collapse and die, but my own power is given by Allah" says Masaba.
True, it really takes a lot of power to keep 86 women fulfilled.

Just doing plain math, 1 per week for each woman would still make it roughly about 12 sessions per day. In between all the faith healing, he must be running in take a holy dip. Come back purified and continue with faith healing. At 87, most men find it difficult to get urine out of it, let alone use it for any other purposes. This man is using it in a manner which would put a 20 year old to shame. 

Move over Obama, Masaba is the most powerful man on earth. He has the power that actually matters.