Technology assisted acts

School is an interesting time. It’s the time when you jump into the fray of ‘NAAN-VEG” jokes. People move on but some jokes remain. A lot of the jokes have now gone beyond the sacred walls of school and reached unexplored destinations like kitchens of housewives, bathrooms of compulsive forwarders, not to forget corners of temples where pujaris stand reading SMSes.

One such joke revolves around a man (Origin of this man is not important as I have heard it on a sardar, tamilian, bihari, so on.. ) who apparently is so dumb that he doesn’t know how to fornicate (I will leave you at the mercy of dictionary to get further details). This guy goes on to marry (and thereby prove his dumbness, but he is not alone on this, most of us have already done this mistake or on the path of doing this mistake).

Having mentioned his level of dumbness, I will not go on to specify that he has no previous experience on the act of ‘FULFILLMENT’ of marriage (Women can actually file for divorce based on this reason). He expresses his helplessness to another man (father/ uncle/ mama.. different people have different versions). This honorable man (and obviously shaken man) agrees to help. They decide on a telephonic guidance for the act (this used to be a landline earlier, but now has been upgraded to a mobile phone).

So when the D-day comes (or rather D-night), this ‘heights of ignorance’ man (I mean how ignorant can he get, even donkeys know how to do it. Watch discovery or national geography regularly and they will teach you) reaches the bed room and finds the target in the room. He makes the all important call and starts to receive guidance.

After all the, remove the X, now remove the Y, do the *, do the #, comes the final advise “put what you and me have in common ‘IN’,”. Without giving much thought on the poor target which is on the receiving end, we go on to wait for the ‘climax’. This ‘What is the point of being born when you don’t know how to do it’ man ends up putting the phone in (doesn’t matter if it was the landline or mobile). Not to be ashamed, this actually arouses some laugh in the first few times of hearing.

Today, technology is so advanced that some of the stuff it can do is unbelievable. Now, they are being used to assist orthopaedic surgeons in knee-replacement procedures. For the first time in Asia, a Mumbai doctor performed a knee-replacement with the help of an iPod navigation system.  

The patient, 75-year-old Gulab Singhvi, had been suffering from severe joint pain in her left knee for the past four years. Dr Arun Mullaji, who performed the surgery at Breach Candy Hospital, said: "Though the computer navigation itself was a breakthrough, the iPod navigation allows for better accuracy." 

It’s not long before this technology is modified to assist ignorant idiots with some of the unimaginable ignorance that can ever be imagined. I am sure donkeys don’t need this assistance. If this technology is successful then the above mentioned joke is sure to get phased out. Read it and enjoy it till it lasts.