Athithi: tum kab jaaoge

We have been hearing a lot about the ‘Battle of Marathi manoos’ in our neighboring states. Shiv sena and MNS are battling it out for the rights of Marathi manoos. Their methods are being questioned. They have resorted to violence due to which the ‘Battle of Marathi manoos’ is getting a negative visibility.

Is this problem only in Mumbai or is this a common problem everywhere? This is a common problem in every metro. Every Indian wants a bite of a city that is a financial hub. Migration to me is the biggest challenge we are facing today. New Delhi has this problem, Hyderabad has this problem, Chennai has this problem and so does Bangalore.

Each city has its own way of dealing with this problem.

We at Bangalore have a unique way of dealing with this problem. We are handling it at the source. Few years ago people would want to come to Bangalore because of its wonderful weather. Bangalore was full of trees and its summers were not very hot. So we started cutting down the trees. For all those fanatics who talk about environment, we give the reason of infrastructure development. Today we are only left with less than 50% of the trees; add to that we have the highest number of polluting vehicles on the road. There is no way someone would want to come to Bangalore on the basis of weather now.

The second common reason for coming to Bangalore is job prospects. We have a hell lot of IT companies providing jobs. Their basic requirement is proper infrastructure. We promise them infrastructure and plan projects. But our projects move at a snails pace if they have not halted. We frustrate them so much that they consider moving out. Now no new company wants to come here due to poor infrastructure. No jobs, no migrants.

A lot of them I have spoken to have already decided to move to Hyderabad or go back to where they came from.

See, that’s the intelligent way of sending out unwanted migrants. What else can you expect from an intelligent IT city? We don’t have to create unnecessary ruckus like our dear neighbors.

Bangalution - Survival of the fittest

In this age of forwarded SMSes, we receive the same thing from many people. One such forward was “India is a funny country where pizza arrives faster than an ambulance”. The same message was given to us in the runaway hit “3 idiots” where the lady in black & white is informed that ambulance can reach only after 90 minutes. The above forward mentions only of the ambulance but the message is related to all emergency services.

An average pizza delivery time is 30-40 minutes. Bangalore (Bengaluru for all those who prefer it that way) in all its efficiency has proved the above statement wrong. A fire emergency in the heart of Bangalore (or Bengaluru again) and fire department reached there in 30 minutes. I wish somebody in this building had ordered a pizza the same time when somebody approached the fire department. We would have had a proof to the efficiency & speed of response. This is quite an achievement and the fire department needs to be recognized for it. Kudos team!!

Some people in this building seemed to be in a hurry and jumped out of the window. The fall was fatal as expected. What else can we expect to happen if someone jumps out of 4^th or 5^th floor of a building? Little did these people know that a human body takes 60-90 minutes to turn to ashes on a pyre! There the body is on fire; here they were not sleeping on the fire.

Somebody should have advised them that in 30 minutes few layers of skin can burnt. These layers of skin would have died and disposed in a matter of few months as a natural process. Fire would only hasten this process.

The only problem would have been the smoke. But don’t we take in smoke everyday. Smokers take it directly others take it passively. In addition to that we have millions of vehicles giving out gallons of smoke every minute of every day. Our lungs are used to taking in smoke. All they had to do was enjoy the smoke without having to pay for the cigarette.

If these people had waited for 30 minutes enjoying the smoke and shedding those dead skin layers, then the fire department would have arrived with media and saved them.

This is such a good example of awareness and preparedness. People need to be aware that emergency always needs to wait a minimum of 30 minutes to get response. Darwin’s theory of evolution is most applicable here. The least one can do in a high class city like Bangalore (Bengaluru again) is to thicken their skin for bearing the heat and prepare their lungs by smoking regularly. If Darwin was alive then he would have called this as “Bangalore evolution” or “Bangalution”

If only those 7 people were ‘Bangaluted’ enough then they would be alive and would be with their loved ones. But they were weak and the world doesn’t support the weak. No wonder, our beloved CM or other politicians have not bothered to even give out a statement forget condolences.

Bhajji ko gussa kyo aata hai

Sep 27, 1988 Canadian sprinter Ben Johnson won the 100 meter sprint in a world-record time of 9.79 seconds. To make the victory sweeter, Johnson captured the gold medal by handily defeating American rival Carl Lewis. The euphoria was so high that he took of on the longest victory run I have ever seen.

That record was over taken by our own Harbhajan Singh a.k.a Bhajji. No, he did not run the 100 meter sprint in less than 9.79 seconds. He over took the longest victory run record.

Last day of a critical test match, lot of hard working cricket lovers spend a small part of their work day working. I am no different, it was a gripping day of cricket and I spent the day following the match. By the time I reached home India had already won the match. All news channels were showcasing India’s great win. More than anything all channels were showing Bhajji’s victory run. Looks like he is watching a lot of football matches these days. Bhajji’s lives life large, it would be no surprise if he likes bigger balls (please keep your perverted minds at rest here).

His victory lap halted in front of the media box. This was followed by lot of words and gesturing. The stadium was really noisy and the exact words could not be made out. The rest of the team had to overpower him to stop him from committing another monkey gate. But he continued with his 4-lettered words and gesturing for a long time to follow.

Coach Gary Kirsten came out to hug him and Bhajji screams “**** it” right next to his ear. Poor Kirsten must have gone deaf, it not in a shock at this reception. It was hard to figure out who was Bhajji angry at. Was he angry on SA cricketers (Kirsten being a former SA cricketer was at the receiving end) or was he angry on the media.

His outburst confirmed that he was angry on the media during the press conference that followed. Discretion has never been a quality associated with him but here are a few things he spoke..

"I have been hearing a lot of things from them [the media], but today they were on the receiving end. They should be getting that kind of treatment because they should know what to play on national television and what not to play. We play for our country with a lot of passion and it disappoints all the players sometimes to see what characters they make out of us. If I don't do well on the ground they will show us as 3 Idiots. Harbhajan is one of the idiots, MS Dhoni is the other. That is not right. I know it sounds funny but it is not.”

Of course media was on the receiving end, it received lot of funny moments of Bhajji histrionics and the treatment he was speaking about must have been laughter treatment. Its funny hearing advises from Bhajji.

I don’t think anyone would associate ‘3 idiots’ with losers any more. Vidhu Vinod chopra will surely vouch for me on this.

Its always best to let your cricket do the talking and the best way to silence your critics is to show results. A Mr Anil Kumble was a master at this. Bhajji, whether you like it or not but it will help if you can take a few lessons on this from Anil bhai..

Rajiv & Sunil wed Manju

Devda, a small Rajput village in Kutiyana (which is either in Gujarath or Rajasthan) is suddenly in news. It is welcoming a ‘baraat’ for the second time in the last 120 years. This is only the second girl to get married in the last 120 years. While this is a proud moment, the flip side is so disturbing.

This village is very well known for very high incidence of female infanticide. These areas have a custom of killing the girl child. 29 years ago, a certain Indersingh Bhati went against the wishes of the community and decided not to kill his child. While everybody else was killing their daughters, this family decided to raise the girl child.

How many of us know about this individual Indersingh Bhati or his family’s revolt. Give an internet search on Indersingh Bhati and you will not be able to find him. Is this not the kind of issues and actions that needs to be highlighted? How many news agencies have made an attempt to bring this to light? The answer is ‘nobody’.

Deepika Padukone wears a bikini in a movie and its national news. Its flashed all over the news, people are debating it, blogging about it and tweeting about it. While people like Indersingh Bhati don’t even get a mention anywhere. This is the real hero and face of new India. This guy and his family have shown what new India needs to be. If not a “padma” award, they surely need to be credited and praised.

You praise one, then you inspire another one or many more.

India is a land that is regarded for its deeply cherished values but we just don’t seem to find ways to escape our social evils. Female infanticide is a very serious concern even today in India. The disturbing fact is it’s not considered a big crime and we don’t hear of many culprits getting convicted.

Isn’t this murder? Doesn’t this qualify for a life sentence if not a death penalty?

The ratio of female to male is dropping. If we continue at this rate then we won’t have many girls left to date or marry. Men will have to kill each other to get a girl or they will have to just share her.

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Man with million chaddis

Winter evenings in Bangalore can be quite pleasant. Good weather to enjoy a cup of filter coffee and discuss current events. Bangalore has lot of “KATTEs” where you find elderly reading newspaper or discussing stuff. The same concept is replicated in TV as discussion forums(minus the filter coffee though). One such forum was set up recently in an open air theatre in Bangalore.

Among the dignitaries was the man we know as “Chaddi” baron of India. He does not own a “Chaddi” chain; he does not manufacture them or sell them. But he is the recipient of the “Pink Chaddi” award. Yes, I am talking of Pramod Muthalik (PM), the distinguished personality who quite recently got the women of this country to send him pink “chaddis”. By now he must have collected enough “chaddis” for next few generations of his family. Nobody has to buy another one for at least another 100 years. Wonder where he stores them.

I remember reading a PJ forwarded to my cell phone. One rich man (name concealed) could not find a tissue or a hand kerchief to blow his nose. So he used a note of 100 for the above mentioned purpose. I wonder if that note is still in circulation and I am still very careful not to accept any starched note of 100. Any how that’s not the point; this PJ indicates that when you have something in excess you use it for all heinous purposes. I would be interested to find out what PM uses as his hand kerchief and wipe all those unmentionables.

We all know Muthalik’s views on Valentine’s Day. He and his morally upright vaanar sena (I hope I got the name right) have been watch dogs (or monkeys) of our society for the last few months. We have seen what they could do during their ‘respectful’ handling of women in Mangalore pub. He has been quite candid in his views with respect to Valentine’s Day. Till date no girl has ever proposed to him or fallen in love with him (too much of an expectation.. pity his wife).. So no girl has a right to fall in love or propose to any guy in this country. He will protest (read that as molest) anyone found celebrating Valentine’s Day. I am not sure if he has plans for gay couples celebrating VD (so I am presuming he will molest them too).

Valentine’s Day is almost here. So there needs to be a debate on this topic (there is always a debate on anything that’s hot and happening). A reputed TV channel set up this debate on a pleasant winter evening. Muthalik had to be there because any TV program needs drama. But I am sure the TV channel was not expecting the kind of drama that happened. They love it though, as they got more than what they expected. Three adventurous youth (not by age) found it convenient to walk and smear Muthalik’s face with soot (or was it pad ink). It was hard to make out any emotion on his face but he appeared to be screaming something. It was hard to hear amongst the commotion. But I think he was screaming…

“Get me a Chaddi to wipe my face”

Symbiosis: The new marketing mantra

“Travel around the world with Thomas cook like the way I do in my movie - My name is Khan” SRK seems to be urging us at least 10 times each day for the last few days. Thomas cook announces that it’s celebrating the release of the movie “My name is Khan”.

Now would I miss an option to travel round the world? I don’t think so.. I am not a travel buff but I would surely love to go see all those places which I have been seeing in movies. The only point I am not clear is if Thomas cook is funding my travel or SRK’s Karan Johar. Karan Johar appears to be a very generous person, I am hoping for him to sponsor my travel. I promise to have coffee with Karan any time.

We can also follow the story of MNIK on Airtel. At an age where all mobile networks are on the price reducing bandwagon, airtel is stubbornly playing hard. I am sure the story of MNIK would come at a price. I would rather wait for Saturday morning, when newspapers & websites would tell me not only the story but strengths & weaknesses of the movie. I would be advised free of cost on whether I should spend my hard earned money on a over priced multiplex or wait for a pirated DVD.

Dish TV is also celebrating the release of SRK’s movie. It would have been good if they could focus more on improving their clarity and customer satisfaction rather than celebrating MNIK & bill the cost to customers.

Samsonite is also celebrating the release of MNIK. Their suitcases do come at a celebrity price tag. I would not be left with any money to celebrate if I buy their suitcases.

I have tried to list as many as I could. But there may be many others who are “celebrating” the release of SRKs movie. I am wondering if the brands are using MNIK as an opportunity to endorse their product or if SRK is using the brands to endorse his movie. I think they are using each other.. Isn’t this the perfect example for “symbiosis”.

Over the last few days, all news channels are capturing the SRK- Sena feud. Sena is going all out against SRK using the “manoos” mantra. I don’t know the link between Pakistan cricketers and “manoos” criteria. SRK being the shrewd businessman is using this as a great opportunity to bag all possible attention of the media to push his movie. At this stage both need each other for a purpose. Another typical example of a symbiotic relationship.

I wonder if there is any sane individual who is not aware that SRK movie is in the pipeline. This is the genius of the man fondly called the “Badshah” of Bollywood.

Last 2 weeks has been SRK all the way on TV, so much that I am not left with a wee bit of patience to spend money & watch him for another 3 hours.

I spare myself the side effects of over dosage.

G-Spot

This is such a clichéd term. The very mention of this term involuntarily reminds people of an unseen anatomical area deep inside a woman associated with stimulation, hormonal surge and of course climax. Ernst Grafenberg, a German born gynecologist credited for its discovery. The G-spot has been named after him. He would have been very happy about the importance it gets and the amount of studies published. But in those days he was arrested and spent 3 years in jail. I don’t know the exact reason for the arrest. But his practice involved wives of Nazi officials and it had nothing to do with their G spots.

That’s not what I want to highlight. Not all G-spots are linked to Dr Grafenberg and gynecology. There are other G-spots which are again associated with women and could be highly stimulating. The G-spots I am talking are the ‘Gossip spots’. These are a part of our history and culture; we have seen these spots and heard a lot about their impact.

We all would agree that these G-spots are also associated with stimulation and climax like their popular namesakes. Popularity deserves attention; however the ones who choose to ignore the impact of the not so popular ones will surely repent.

In today’s world, there are a host of social networking options available. Facebook was a revolution, Orkut is a rage, Twitter is cool.. So on. These options are quite recent; however there have many social networking options available in India since ages. These are the traditional G-spots. If you are a movie buff and have been watching movies of the black and white era will surely not have missed the community well which used to be a G-spot for ages. Times improved and wells were replaced by taps and community taps became the next generation G-spots. Today, community taps are a thing of the past. People have the luxury of water supply to their kitchen & bed room. So what are the G-spots of today?

It’s a mobile world today, everything is fast moving.. So are the latest G-spots. They are not only mobile but linked to fitness too. Early in the morning you find groups of women ‘walking the talk’.

If you are new to a locality and want to get into a social group, then the advice your neighbor would give “join us for walking”. Fitness is the mantra in this locality. Dress code is not a concern. You can walk in your saree or in an old salwar kameez. If you are a fashion freak then you can do a mix & match with your husband’s old T shirt and your bottom (remember Kareena in Jab we met).

The best recommendation for footwear is a pair of walking slippers (read that as bathroom slippers). The other day I read an article by some scientist mentioning that those expensive Nike shoes could damage your knee joints. Walking bare foot is the best but I would not recommend it. The latest Bata walking slippers (again read that as bathroom slippers) come with raised blobs for acupressure.

After all the introductions, ‘walking the talk’ or ‘talking the walk’ starts. The new member gets an education who’s who in the locality. “See that lady walking there. She recently divorced her husband. She gave birth to twins. She and her husband had problems figuring out who the dad of the second baby was”

“See the man peeing there, he is so stressed out.. poor guy has too much in his hands right now”… Everyone seemed to agree.. ahem.. ahem..

With this the new member was smoothly inducted into the G-spot.