Dimaak ki bathi Jala de

Bangalore has been the IT capital of India. Much of this growth is due to availability of talent in Bangalore. Each year thousands of engineers and MBA grads are being manufactured in our education factory. A major percentage of this talent pool is exceptionally talented individuals. 

Scientists from the “Kingfisher International Scientific Society (KISS)” attribute this talent pool to BEER. It’s already a well-known fact that Bangalore is the “Beer capital of India” and this also produces the largest number of intellect. They have established a relationship with increased brain capability and beer guzzling. They plan to do a retrospective study on Einstein to confirm this relationship.

A survey was conducted by the “Royal Challenge Beer Mapping Institute of India” at The Great Indian October Fest at Bangalore. This crowd comprised of the majority of the talent pool of Bangalore. Undeniably, the best part of Kingfisher Premium Great Indian October Fest was the continuous flow of Kingfisher draught straight from the breweries to the stalls. Thousands of people swung to the music, Kingfisher beer in hand. This survey has brought out a clear relationship between beer and talent.

‘KISS’ scientists have put up a theory that beer is increasing neural and intellectual capacity of the brain cells. Years of scientific studies have shown that the Yeast used in manufacturing beer releases a chemical compound called ‘Dumbesterone”. This compound triggers the learning centre of the brain resulting in the increased intellectual capacity.

But a recent revelation has shocked the scientists worldwide. This could well be the biggest piece of scientific information known to modern world.

 

Newspaper reports have revealed the biggest secret of the world. Bangalore thrives on Donkey’s milk. There is a huge demand to feed babies with donkey’s milk. A sum of Rs 100 or even Rs 200 for fresh 50ml of donkey's milk. The age-old business quietly thrives in many parts of this hi-tech city. 

Some families have been surviving on the donkey business for generations now. P Puttaraju says his grandfather started it. Today, Puttaraju is a key dealer operating across Bangalore. He also supplies donkeys to other milk dealers. 

He has a roaring business though with no fixed regular customers or regular timings. The donkeys in his crude office space keep increasing in numbers. Presently, he has 20 donkeys. The latest addition was a white donkey from Kurnool with her two-month infant. "Sometimes, I receive calls at 1am asking if there's immediate stock. Once, a family landed here at 6am with a one-day-old baby. They wanted at least 5 ml for their baby” Puttaraju said.

BBMP joint director (animal husbandry) Pervez Ahmed Piran (also a dairy expert) confirms about the value of donkey's milk. "I am not too sure about the popularity of the milk but it is definitely as good as human milk in terms of composition. But the effects are way better than human milk,'' he says. 

"We really get donkey milk? I didn't know about it. If it was so good and so ancient a practice, all pediatricians in the city should start recommending it.” says a reputed gynecologist. She expressed deep regret that her parents failed to give her this nature’s wonder.

"The benefits are not scientifically proven. However, it surely has higher protein content than human milk,'' says another senior pediatrician who himself is an output of this nature’s wonder.  

Most great personalities have drunk donkey’s milk at some point during their childhood. Till date, donkeys have been identified with idiocy. But after this revelation, donkeys would be identified with the brightest minds known to mankind.

How much is tooo much?

“Supreme Court of India has ruled that “Persistent demand for excessive sex causing injury can be ground for seeking divorce.”  

"Persistence in inordinate sexual demands or malpractices by either spouse can be cruelty if it injures the other spouse," said Justice Sathasivam, who wrote the judgment for the Bench. 

When I started reading this, for some vague reason I believed that this must have been a plea by any harassed wife. I am sure most of you would have thought alike. But what came as a very rude shock to me was that this was a plea from an aggrieved husband. You are reading it right, an aggrieved husband. (Wife asks for excessive sex and husband is aggrieved… What world are we living in?)

Not just an ordinary husband, but a Sardar. Now, why do I sense that your disbelief just turned into a smile. I guess the zillions of Sardar jokes you read on internet, SMS and Khushwant Singh’s books makes you feel that only a Sardar could have accomplished this feat.

The subject of our surprise/shock is Mr Gurbax Singh, who sought divorce on the grounds of cruelty due to persistent demands of sex from his wife. (I guess he is not Tiger woods after all)

I am not aware of many men who would feel tortured due to excessive sexual demand. I am sure one thought would have crossed many pious minds “why not me?” The other content souls reading this, might be feeling proud of their personal capabilities. But dear Gurbax, apparently does not seem to think alike with any of the above. He equated this with cruelty. (There may be some lady somewhere who would tell us that this has got nothing to do with his abilities)

Cruelty is an undefined term under Section 13 of the Hindu Marriage Act, which provides grounds for divorce. The one seeking divorce has to prove with evidence that a particular conduct of the other partner had caused him/her cruelty. 

Singh failed to prove this cruel behaviour of his wife and Supreme Court refused to grant him divorce. 

I am not sure how does one prove excessive sexual demand. This is not one of those evidences which can be easily produced to the court. Probably Gurbax should have resorted to the now very famous ‘sting’ operation. But then, this evidence may not be permissible in the court of law.

Now we come to the most important question. How does the Supreme court decide “How much is too much?” What is excessive to one may not be excessive to another one…. 

Harry Potter and the Silly-Con capital of India

About 60 years ago, the great freedom fighters of India had fought a ferocious battle to the extent of sacrificing their lives to free India from the British rule. When Jawaharlal Nehru delivered his speech on the Red Fort at the stroke of midnight on 15th August, 1947 he along with others had dreamt of building a country that would see its citizens independent and educated.

Today if Jawaharlal Nehru would be giving the same speech, he would be saying that he would dream of seeing Indian politicians educated. As today, our politicians are still propagating age old practices and blind beliefs. The recent incidents in Bangalore narrate a story of ignorance and blind faith among men in power who are misleading the state into a doom.

These incidents not only paint a wrong picture of Bangalore but put the developing country of India to shame. These obnoxious incidents are holding back Bangalore’s development and converting it from Silicon capital to Silly-con capital of India (name given by Indian express following this incident).

Incidents mentioned below are not scenes from a Masala Telugu Movie but real life incidents at the power house of Karnataka, the Vidhana Soudha.

We are in Vidhana Soudha now

Strewn on the lawns of Vidhana soudha were some bangles, a handful of vermilion and turmeric, a lemon pierced with four nails, an egg, a copper bowl, a so-called mantra-energized Yantra inscribed on a silver plaque, the head of a sacrificed poultry bird and a doll made of dough. A passerby spotted the black magic paraphernalia and raised an alarm. Clearly not the kind of drama he expected to see. Soon, a crowd gathered at the spot and started getting clicking pictures with their mobile phone. I guess many face book profiles would have a picture mentioning, “Me at the black magic spot at Vidhana soudha”. This news moved faster than light and spread in the City like a wildfire.

"It's a high security place… how could anyone do this when the police are there and that too without the knowledge of the government," said JD(S) leader M C Nanaiah.

As always, we are blind to the happenings

Policemen guarding Vidhana Soudha apparently were clueless on how the materials turned up in the high security zone. They cannot be blamed as somebody may have hoodwinked them into a temporary coma while performing their ritual. The DCP in charge of the area, Kumaraswamy, rushed to the spot and managed the situation by announcing that an inquiry had been ordered into the incident. That’s the end of the story as far as the police action goes on this.

None of the 74 high resolution CCTV cameras managed to capture this. Whoever did this must have done black magic on the cameras and rendered them with temporary blindness. Or they could have used the Harry Potter invisible cloak for this whole exercise. 

I am the best thing to happen to you

BJP leader Dhananjay Kumar blamed the opposition for this, "Power mongers have stooped to such a low that they are indulged in Vamachara (witchcraft) with the sole objective of grabbing power. This is shameful," he quivered in righteous anger.

He declared that his party had no belief in black magic and believed only in “the almighty”. This was well demonstrated by Yeddy, who is busy temple-hopping trying to ward off the evil spirits plaguing his government. An attempt was made to pin the blame on opposition parties. I am not sure how he and the BJP Government would explain the next set of actions ordered by them. Superstition played a major role in creating chaos in the state assembly on the day when Yeddy sought a trust vote.

Staff at the Vidhana Soudha believed that the so-called sorcery performed inside of Vidhana Soudha. They seemed to be surprised at the ignorance level of the leader of the state and the level anyone can stoop to hold on the CHAIR.

Close the Northern door and let Opposition come
through Eastern door. I will cast a losing spell on them.  

There was strict instruction that nobody should be allowed through the northern door of the assembly, as it was considered bad for the government. The unprecedented security at the northern door was a pointer to this. This is the door where traditionally opposition and other members enter. This is a very clear Harry Potter influence. Imagine the ruckus, few more books of Harry Potter would have created. UPA Government should consider banning HP books in India.


City Police Commissioner was personally manning this door when normally there is no security during previous sessions. If this is a part of his duty roaster, the increasing crime rates and bombs going off are not a surprise.


The sorcerer apparently had performed black magic at the eastern door to defeat the opposition and the ruling party wanted opposition members to enter the assembly through this door. They avoided entering the hall through this door and forced their way in through the blocked door. Commissioner who was at this gate tried stopping then and this led to a physical embroil between him and opposition leader Siddharamaiah. All this drama was on live TV. 

I am the most pious man in Karnataka today

When cornered by the media on this, City police commissioner Shankar M Bidari clarified that his men prevented entry through the northern door, as ordered by the speaker, KG Bopaiah. “When I found the opposition MLAs attempting to break open the door, I tried to dissuade them. The north door was opened only after the speaker’s permission to do. The allegations that I prevented MLAs’ entry through this door are false and baseless,” the commissioner had said. Commissioner seems to be depending on short term memory of the public, hoping that they have forgotten what they saw on live TV.
All said and done, Yeddy tided over the storm. My personal belief is Shobha Karandlaje’s fast to appease Goddess Chamundeshwari helped him more than the above set of activities.


But all these activities have tarnished the name of Karnataka and is set to stay like this for a long long time to come. National media laughed at this and so did the people from all over India.

 

Mishine Impossible: Chronicles of Balanna

This is not an original piece. I could not stop myself from putting this in. This is Telugu industry's answer to Tom Cruise starrer Mission Impossible. Balakrishna, Son of NTR famously known as Balanna to every at "Unbelievable, Unimaginable and Unthinkable Stunt lovers Association" 

Hero Balakrishna and his brother were captured by the baddies and they tied Balakrishna onto a chair...Those idiots didnt know that Balakrishna cannot be stopped by a simple chair... 

Here is our hero's brother...The baddies tied him up too and fixed a time-bomb across his stomach...The bomb looks more like a pack of sausage rolls..hehee.. 

Balakrishna sees some bullet shells lying on the floor....This means that the baddies had a gun...But they decided to use a time-bomb to give the 'finishing touch'...This is what i call 'Innovative Thinking'...

The shells triggered Balakrishna's brain (if any) and suddenly he has an idea...He throws himself onto the floor and starts moving towards the bullet shells...

Now, lets hv a look at the time-bomb...The timer(presumably a pager covered in plastic) is ticking...See the weird buttons on the bomb??...The red button is the On-Off button!!...Now, this is the world's first time-bomb with such a convenient on-off button....This is what i call a 'User-friendly Time-bomb'...Very easy to handle...Can b used even by infants.... 

Coming back to our hero, he is struggling to reach the shells...Look at his _expression...

Finally, he manages to reach the shells...He picks up a shell with his mouth as if it is Kappalandi (Cashew nut)...The viewers have no idea what the hell he is up to...Read on...

He concentrates with the shell between his teeth...Look at the sweat on his face...Gives an impression of how hard he is concentrating...With all his strength, he spits the bullet shell towards the bomb... 

Loo and behold!!..The shell flies like a bullet through the air....Credit goes to Balakrishna here...He has the ability to make a shell work like a bullet...He can be a good asset to the Indian army...The shell reaches the time-bomb and hits exactly the green button!!...The time-bomb gets switched off!!...Balakrishna saves himself and his brother!!...

Dont forget to see this greatest spectacle on youtube. Move over Tom cruise, Balanna is here.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d2wMkimTisY

Aal Izz Well

“We the Indians are ready to host the commonwealth Games 2010 & welcome the world to help us show India’s unique hospitality. We will provide facilities unheard of in many games villages around the world” … This is what the OC (used to be organizing committee, last time I heard) officials boasted few weeks earlier. They have kept up their promise. Athletes were allotted apartments in the village and indeed found facilities unheard or unseen in any games villages around the world. Laborers had used these apartments for defecation. Stray dogs were feasting on the faeces. Clearly, the most unique hospitality the athletes could not have got anywhere in the world.

 

Athletes from New Zealand, Scotland, Canada and Ireland have praised the Games village as ‘unlivable’. Where else in the world could they experience the famous ‘unlivable’ environment? Our laborers and stray dogs would never be able to appreciate the value of living in ‘unlivable’ environment. No wonder foreign tourists appreciate India and its heritage better.  

A Canadian newspaper writes, "Monsoon rains, a dengue fever epidemic, car bombs, a collapsing pedestrian bridge, corrupt construction rackets, traffic Armageddon, indifferent politicians and a filthy athletes' village that does not even have proper plumbing yet. Or wiring. Or paint on the walls,".

As rightly pointed out by Commonwealth Games Organizing Committee (CGOC) secretary-general Lalit Bhanot the standards of cleanliness and hygiene differ from one person to the other. What one thought was clean may not appear that clean to others. The same way, what one person feels as filthy may be clean to others. We are surrounded by faeces, public urination, stray dogs, pan stains etc and we feel this is clean and hygienic. We expect the visiting athletes appreciate it as much as we do. 

The same paper continues to write, "India's showcase moment is at hand. The entire world is watching. But what the entire world is seeing - at least so far - looks more like the travails of a First World wannabe nation still struggling with its lingering Third World problems." 

To this Lalit Bhanot clarified. “We have told the Chefs de Mission that the level of hygiene and cleanliness at the Games Village will be upgraded within 36 hours.” In all likelihood, all facilities would be upgraded from travails of First World War to travails of Second World War in the next 36 hours.

Australia's swimming coach Leigh Nugent says hygiene at the Commonwealth Games Village in Delhi is a bigger concern for him than the terror threats.

He quotes, "You can go to a Western-style country and still get sick, but on the subcontinent they have bugs we have no resistance to. Things like vomiting and diarrhea can run rampant through a team, wreaking havoc on months of preparation and destroying medal chances. So you have to be extra vigilant and make sure you have as many preventative measures in place as you can.” The best preventative measure I can think of is to outsource participation. We can have people from India and other Asian countries participate on behalf of Australians. 

Leigh Nugent continues, “All the Australian swimmers have been given hand-sanitizing gel, probiotics to boost immunity and long-sleeved shirts, long trousers and bug repellent plus mosquito zappers to guard against diseases such as dengue and malaria. And even when you're having a shower, you should keep your mouth closed.” Looks like Australians seem to be missing air filters/purifiers. We have many viruses/bacteria/bugs which enter through the nose.

Leigh Nugent goes on, “We're living in the village with probably 7000 or 8000 other people and not everyone has good hygiene, and you don't know who's touched the door in front of you. Touching things, you can pick up bugs that you're not used to in our normal environment and next thing you're sick and out of action. All of these bugs are invisible, so you have to be ultra-careful.” This is the same challenge which astronauts face when they are visiting some unknown planet. All visiting athletes should be provided with space suits. This would help provide the same level of protection as astronauts would get.

In view of the short time available for the whole cleaning process, OC members could consider sprinkling “Yamunajal” (sister concern of Gangajal) to purify the whole Games village. There is a plenty of it available for this purpose now.

The silver lining is that Shah Rukh Khan is expected to attend the CWG opening ceremony. We are surely showcasing out best to the world. Its time to say “Aall iz well”

Dabangg

Salman has delivered a “The Bangg” hit with his Dabangg. We have been hearing news of cash registers ringing and the producer dancing his way to the bank. Songs are a rage and would continue to be for the rest of the festive season. “Munni” is bound to replace “Beedi” as the national anthem of the masses. Promos had created quite a buzz, Salman making the caterpillar moustache look amazingly endearing. One of the best launch pads any new comer could dream of, for “Ooomph” Sinha, daughter of the famous “Khaamosh” Sinha.

 

Salman also delivered a “Dabangg” performance with his statement on Mumbai attack. Only Salman could deliver a punch line, “The whole world knows Pakistan had nothing to do with it” and get a patriot certificate from, can you imagine MNS and Shiv Sena. The same MNS and Shiv sena, who are the flag bearers for marathi-ism, Hinduism and Hindustanism supported Salman (this feat could not be matched by Big B too).  Truly, Salman is the one and only “Dabangg” of Bollywood.

But the biggest “Dabangg” of all is Golu Jagtap from Madhya pradesh. We have heard of people stealing bicycles, we have also heard of people stealing bikes and we have heard of people stealing cars, but Golu tried to achieve a feat that is unparalleled in the history. He tried to take off with a train and that too when it was filled with hundreds of people.

He probably could have sold the components of the train in “Chor Bazaar”, wonder what he would have done with the people.

He got into an unmanned engine of Mhow-Ratnam Fast passenger and tried to get away with it. I guess he chose the Fast passenger because he wanted to be “Gone in 60 seconds”. It would have been quite a feat, but unfortunately for him he could not locate the accelerator of the locomotive. He managed to steer the train for 50 meters, quite an achievement for the first attempt.

He has been arrested by the Railway police, but clearly he has proved himself to be the biggest “Dabangg” of all. 

Legalizing the World's oldest profession

Prostitution is always referred to as the World's Oldest Profession. The first prostitute was one of our cave dwelling ancestors who was 'nice' to a cave man in exchange for a haunch of mammoth. It was a common sense 'survival' sort of arrangement back then. Things have not changed. It still is today. 

Historically Hindu mythology does not have anything against this profession. Rather the depiction of the character of Basantasena (played by Rekha) in the film Utsav eulogizes the profession, showing they were accepted by the society. I don’t know the authenticity of the story, but remember the character Vasantasena from some other story of the same era. Hence I can safely say that they were accepted in ancient Indian society.

Modern day prostitution can go back to the Devadasi system of South India, Baijees of North India. We find the profession was established around temple towns and near Palaces. In old Kolkata, where the erstwhile Zamindars resided, this profession was patronized by the high-class society, rich and the aristocracy.

But prostitutes are not a respected lot.

Governments across the world are faced with the question of legalizing this profession. The Supreme Court of India supports legalizing prostitution. 
"They (sex workers) have been operating in one way or the other and nowhere in the world have they been able to curb it by legislation. In some cases, they (the trade) is carried out in a sophisticated manner. So, why don't you legalize it?" Justices Dalveer Bhandari and AK Patnaik told Solicitor-General Gopal Subramaniam. 

It’s high time this profession is legalized. They should receive benefits like Provident fund, Retiral benefits, tax exemption etc. In fact, their service should also be subsidized by the Government. They should also be honored with President’s medal, life time achievement awards etc. As lunatic as I may sound, these people serve to protect the innocent.  

The main reason why prostitution remains relevant till today is because sex has always been regarded as a highest form of pleasure for humans and thus explains peoples’ crave for it. The same craving results in bizarre and unbelievable acts. We have seen umpteen incidents of rape highlighted in the media (not to forget hundreds of fake rapes.. a la.. violinist L Subramanian and the more famous Shiney Ahuja). There are two incidents in newspaper today, which are so disturbing and were the motivation for me to write this piece.   

In a shocking incident, two tipsy youths stormed into a temporary house of an 85-year-old widow and allegedly raped her. The incident took place on the outskirts of Hardoi district (Uttar Pradesh). The victim is in a critical condition, doctors are trying to stabilize her.

In another incident, a 20-year-old man tried to rape his one-and-a-half-year-old neighbour. He failed in his intention as the mother reached the place before he could succeed in his attempt. This happened in Bangalore.

By legalizing prostitution and making it easily available to craving individuals, we may be able to save some innocents from such attacks. These attacks crush the entire lives of affected individuals. (Quite the opposite in case of Shiney)